Who WOULDN’T Want to Hire Me?

So, the other day I saw a job posting for this little PT gig that sounded interesting. I wouldn’t be saving the world personally, but I would be helping someone who was. “What the heck,” I thought. “I’ve got nothing to lose! I’ll just apply!” I began updating my resume for the first time in seven years and quickly realized I did have something to lose. Several things, in fact. Primarily my dignity and self-worth. But I forged ahead and finished the damn thing. It wasn’t exactly impressive. I felt it was lacking a little . . . depth. Contrary to popular opinion of SAHM’s, I had not been at home eating bon-bons. (Well, okay. I did it once — something about irony and social commentary on the unappreciated roles of mothers.) The point is, I have been doing stuff for the last 6 years. Lots of stuff. Stuff that not every person can do well. The point is: I HAVE SKILLS. Skills that I am sure will translate to the business world, you know, in some way. So, behold! My true resume!

Computer Skills:

  • Ability to Facebook while cooking dinner and overseeing general safety of other employees
  • Created multi-tab, 18 column spreadsheet ranking all area preschools across various categories
  • Extensive knowledge of internet resources (Huffington Post, Allrecipes, Twitter, Pinterest and various  blogs)
  • Blogging

Leadership Skills

  • Proven track record of readying all employees to leave the house on time, with clothes on (teeth may or may not be brushed)
  • Development of employee social and emotional improvement through motivational speaking, counting, and imprisonment time outs
  • Created, authorized, and implemented impressive demonstrations of  parental power on a regular basis to get employees to bend to my will make good choices

Multitasking Skills:

  • Puh-leese. NEXT QUESTION.

Organizational Skills:

  • Oversaw the health, education, sociability, athletic achievement, and scheduling all of employees all while carrying on conversations about American Girl doll accessories and/or the three-banded armadillo
  • Kept track of bathroom habits of youngest employee, including frequency, content, and clean-up
  • 6+ year history of never letting any employee run out of clean underwear
  • Ability to locate swimming goggles, the skirt with the butterflies on it, and “that necklace with the thing hanging from it” at any time
  • Successful planning and implementation of 6 hot dinners, 5 packed lunches, and 5 healthy breakfasts on a weekly basis

Communication Skills:

  • Effective use of the Laser-Beam-Stare-of-Doom to achieve general compliance, workplace stability, and prevention of all hell breaking loose
  • Proven track record in explaining death, the force of gravity, proper table manners, and how a baby is made in a non-threatening and non-shaming manner
  • Limited profanity while combing out Kaya’s %&#((* American Girl doll hair
  • Excellent “interested face” while hearing about the made-up and extensive rules to the self-explanatory game of  “Throw the Ball in The Laundry Basket” for 187th time
  • Ability to summarize entire days and/or existential theories in 140 characters or less

Diplomacy Skills:

  • Bribed Motivated employees using candy and spare change to maintain workplace harmony and productivity
  • Moderated a variety of intense negotiations, including (but not limited to) the importance of wearing pants, why we don’t stick boogers on the wall, and the commencement of bath time
  • Superior culinary convincing skills, i.e., the “onion” in the stew is really just a potato and is therefor edible by all employees
  • able to administer the correct dosage of unflavored liquid medication without physical injury to any party

Other Things I Can Do LIKE A BOSS:

  • Lip-sync to ’80’s  pop ballads while using various household items as the microphone
  • Wicked good car dancing and kitchen dancing routines
  • Recite dialogue from “Frozen”
  • Make the World’s Best Granola Ever and the Bestest Apple Pie in All the Land
  • Wield a glue gun with limited burn damage to people or things
  • Read any book with “the voices”
  • Can catch throw up in bare hands and wipe dirty butts but, frankly, looking to advance beyond this particular job requirement

What are your special parenting skills?

I tried to figure out where this pic originally came from so I could give credit, but when I clicked on the link my computer blocked me saying it would lead to nudity. So then I tried even harder but my computer's a prude.

I tried to figure out where this pic originally came from so I could give credit, but when I clicked on the link my computer blocked me saying it would lead to nudity. So then I tried even harder but my computer’s a prude.




4 thoughts on “Who WOULDN’T Want to Hire Me?

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