School Lunch Tutorial for Bad Parents

You are probably already running out of ideas for school lunches. I am truly sorry that you are a bad parent. But  because I am generous, I am going to help you out. I turned to every mom’s best friend, Pinterest, for a few simple lunch ideas.

I’m assuming you have lunch making supplies. Yes?

Oh, you thought I meant a butter knife and some plastic baggies.? Um, NO. The above is really a minimal example of what you will need to make acceptable lunches. Some people have a dedicated Lunch Making Supplies Drawer. I reccomend a room. And don’t forget the edible paint for detail work.

First, every school lunch must have a theme. If it doesn’t have a theme YOU ARE FAILING. Some examples of themes include:



Please note that themes should coincide with the seasons and holidays. Any parent who attempts send the above “Flower Lunch” in January is a TOTAL AMATEUR.

Time for a pop quiz! What day is it acceptable to send the below lunch to school with your child?

*sigh* No. Not September. I asked for A DAY. This lunch is acceptable for the first day of school and the first day of school ONLY. But this lunch brings me to another point: sharp objects. Note the people-head tooth picks. And the orange bus tooth pick. These are all plastic AND have sharp ends. WIN! Children have to learn about survival of the fittest at some point. Why not start in kindergarten! That’s right, you can send little Bobby off to school with an awesome lunch AND a shiv!

Lunch kabobs also provide excellent weapons:



A good lunch includes mass-produced messages from the heart:




How will your child know you love them if someone else doesn’t say it for you?

I guess you can fall back on symbolism . . .

and a heart-topped shiv!


16 thoughts on “School Lunch Tutorial for Bad Parents

  1. Niki

    There are no words. Oh wait — one comes to mind: INSANE. Charlotte is lucky I remembered to throw in a fork with her leftover mac ‘n’ cheese.

  2. Lisa Gibalerio

    Thank you – LOVE this! I have a friend who tosses into the backpack (no lunch box, mind you) whatever bag of crackers she has on hand . . . and that’s lunch! What would Pinterest say?

    1. joslyne Post author

      Yeah, I good friends with Pottery Barn just like I’m good friends with Pinterest . . . It freaks me out that they have 8 VOLUMES of these notes. Sheash. Just write on a napkin why don’t ya?!

    1. joslyne Post author

      Sorry to break the bad news to you but if your not hand crafting shapely sandwiches and using edible paint on a daily basis you are harming your kids. *sigh* I had higher hopes for you. Truly. 😉 XO

  3. Shal

    LOL LOL…..this is exactly how I felt leading up to the first day of school. Went on a shopping binge for all the lunch-making “supplies”. They are still sitting there unopened 🙂 LOL

    1. joslyne Post author

      Yes, I thought of posting a pic of Zoey’s real lunch but today’s lunch was rather . . . lacking. Even for my low standards. Of course she declared it “the best lunch ever”. Yup, crackers and grapes — a real crowd pleaser. *sigh*

  4. Lisa McKay

    OMG. We are never moving back to the US.

    Conversation with Mum yesterday.

    Mum: “Did Dominic have a snack this afternoon?”
    Me: “I dunno. Did you feed him one?”
    Mum: “Nope.”
    Me: “Oh well. Maybe it means he’ll eat his dinner. By the way, what IS for dinner?”

    1. joslyne Post author

      Sounds just like our house. Well . . . except that I rarely forget to snack. For myself at least. 🙂


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