So, I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of feeling big and not beautiful. I’m tired of fighting my body over energy, sleep, food, and pain. I’m tired of having a bad body image while trying to teach my daughter to have a positive one. In my head, I look dumpy and wan and swollen. I’m tired of being unhealthy.
So, screw you fibromyalgia! I’m doing a cleanse!
Bring. It. On.
I’ve cut out wheat/gluten, soy, dairy, and sugar. (SUGAR?!?! WHAT? WHERE?????) I’m doing it on the advice of my sister-in-law (Hi Annie!) who knows a lot about health etc. etc. Basically, she’s the kind of person who can cook kale and make it taste good. Apparently, this cleanse will, you know, cleanse my body of toxins and I will reemerge as a person with energy! health! a lower BMI! and a bigger butt! Okay, so maybe not the last one, but I can hope. After three weeks I will add foods back in one at a time and see how it affects my body. I’ll be able to isolate which foods cause fatigue, anxiety, weight gain, etc. Then I change my eating habits to avoid those foods to give me optimal energy* and a unicorn. Oh wait . . . not a unicorn. But it’ll be just as good.
My other sister-in-law (Hi Tonia!) is doing it too. She started way before I did and convinced me the whole thing was doable. We were in Maine together and she was drinking her daily glass of water with a tablespoon of raw cider vinegar in it.
“So, how’s that taste?” I asked as I wrinkled my nose.
“Not bad,” Tonia shrugged her shoulders. “It’s . . . refreshing.”
Huh, I thought, Okay then. If it’s refreshing i could probably manage to do it.
This past Sunday I began my cleanse. I cheerfully filled a glass of water, dumped in some raw cider vinegar, and began to drink. I then began to gag, cough, and gasp for air. As soon as I could sort of breath again I texted Tonia:
Water/cider vinegar is NOT refreshing. IT TASTES LIKE ASS.
She texted back:
It makes me feel like I had too much salad dressing.
And that somehow made it worse. It makes my throat tighten just thinking about it. (THANKS A LOT TONIA!)
So besides the fact that one of my dear and cherished family members LIED to me about the refreshing properties of the morning cleanse beverage, things are going okay. (I should note that one can still eat dark chocolate on this cleanse.) I definitely have more energy in the mornings. Yeah, parenthood generally still knocks me down by 6 pm but I’m only on day three. I definitely feel better about my body — I feel healthy and lithe. Okay, so maybe I don’t feel lithe all the time. But I do at least 50% of the time and I will soooooo take that.
If you saw me on the street I wouldn’t look any different. But in my mind’s eye I am stronger, more energetic, and more beautiful. Now when Zoey pats my cheek and says, “Oh, mommy you look beautiful!” I can truthfully say, “Yes, yes I do.”
* This is loosely based on The Virgin Diet by JJ Virgin.