The “C” Word (and it’s not cancer)

So, I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of feeling big and not beautiful. I’m tired of fighting my body over energy, sleep, food, and pain. I’m tired of having a bad body image while trying to teach my daughter to have a positive one.  In my head, I look dumpy and wan and swollen. I’m tired of being unhealthy.

So, screw you fibromyalgia! I’m doing a cleanse!

Bring. It. On.

I’ve cut out wheat/gluten, soy, dairy, and sugar. (SUGAR?!?! WHAT? WHERE?????) I’m doing it on the advice of my sister-in-law (Hi Annie!) who knows a lot about health etc. etc. Basically, she’s the kind of person who can cook kale and make it taste good. Apparently, this cleanse will, you know, cleanse my body of toxins and I will reemerge as a person with energy! health! a lower BMI! and a bigger butt! Okay, so maybe not the last one, but I can hope. After three weeks I will add foods back in one at a time and see how it affects my body. I’ll be able to isolate which foods cause fatigue, anxiety, weight gain, etc. Then I change my eating habits to avoid those foods to give me optimal energy* and a unicorn. Oh wait . . . not a unicorn. But it’ll be just as good.

My other sister-in-law (Hi Tonia!) is doing it too. She started way before I did and convinced me the whole thing was doable. We were in Maine together and she was drinking her daily glass of water with a tablespoon of raw cider vinegar in it.

“So, how’s that taste?” I asked as I wrinkled my nose.

“Not bad,” Tonia shrugged her shoulders. “It’s  . . . refreshing.”

Huh, I thought, Okay then. If it’s refreshing i could probably manage to do it. 

This past Sunday I began my cleanse. I cheerfully filled a glass of water, dumped in some raw cider vinegar, and began to drink. I then began to gag, cough, and gasp for air. As soon as I could sort of breath again I texted Tonia:

Water/cider vinegar is NOT refreshing. IT TASTES LIKE ASS. 

She texted back:

It makes me feel like I had too much salad dressing. 

And that somehow made it worse. It makes my throat tighten just thinking about it. (THANKS A LOT TONIA!)

So besides the fact that one of my dear and cherished family members LIED to me about the refreshing properties of the morning cleanse beverage, things are going okay. (I should note that one can still eat dark chocolate on this cleanse.) I definitely have more energy in the mornings. Yeah, parenthood generally still knocks me down by 6 pm but I’m only on day three. I definitely feel better about my body — I feel healthy and lithe. Okay, so maybe I don’t feel lithe all the time. But I do at least 50% of the time and I will soooooo take that.

If you saw me on the street I wouldn’t look any different. But in my mind’s eye I am stronger, more energetic, and more beautiful. Now when Zoey pats my cheek and says, “Oh, mommy you look beautiful!” I can truthfully say, “Yes, yes I do.”

Okay, so this isn't *exactly* how I look in my mind's eye . . . but, eh, what are ya gonna do. WE ARE STRONG MUSCLE GIRLS AND WE ROCK!

Okay, so this isn’t *exactly* how I look in my mind’s eye . . . but, eh, what are ya gonna do. WE ARE STRONG MUSCLE GIRLS AND WE ROCK!

* This is loosely based on The Virgin Diet by JJ Virgin.


9 thoughts on “The “C” Word (and it’s not cancer)

  1. Niki

    You are Zoey have HUGE awesome muscles. And I am so jealous of your self-control to be able to do a cleanse like that. As I sit here chugging Diet Coke and wolfing Quaker Oatmeal Squares (which I think you got me hooked on, BTW), I can only dream of such a healthy lifestyle. Let us know the results of all your experimentation!

    (And I love the title alteration, as a nod to my stupidity. : ) )

  2. joslyne Post author

    Phew! Thank you for commenting! I was feeling all stressed (“Maybe it was weird to write about the cleanse . . .?!?1” that no one had commented. And yes, our muscles are BULGING! 🙂 And you are not stupid — The C word = cancer. I just was spacing that today. Thanks!

  3. Tyff

    I think Sports Illustrated has it’s next swimsuit issue cover right here!!!! Go, Jos, go! P.S. So glad you were not cleansing when we visited ….I mean too bad you were not cleansing when we visited 🙂

  4. Anne

    ohthankgodyoucanstilleatdarkchocolate. I am currently fighting my own battle to conquer sluggishness and looking dumpy in my minds eye. It’s hard, but I’m figuring out what works for me. And it definitely does NOT involve giving up dark chocolate.

    1. joslyne Post author

      Great! I feel good — more energetic, more confident, less pain. And I lost 5 pounds. 🙂 It was tough on vacation though when my fam was eating pizza, hot dogs, ice cream, etc. But I did it!


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