Gym Mishaps and a General Lack of Progress

Well. Back in February I signed up to meet with a personal trainer. Yeah. You may remember that technically I was not lifting any weight, although I looked like I was totally pumping air iron.  You may also remember that I sanctimoniously declared, “I’m not trying to lose weight or get rid of that weird side butt thing going on by my hips.”

Well, I was a big, fat liar.

A few weeks ago Ronnie, my trainer, re-took my measurements to see how much progress I had made. And people, I have made exactly no progress. None. Unless you count the fact that I lost .1% body fat. POINT one percent. I think my side butt may be more toned (and perhaps smaller?) but I can’t be sure. When I asked Demetri about it he stared at me blankly and then backed out of the room. 

I. Am. Pissed.

Secretly, I thought I would at least feel, if not look like, The Rock by now. But no. I feel like my same fibromyalgia-y self . . . weakish, tiredish, blobish.

Not only am I doing all that, but I have endured several embarrassing, uh, mishaps at the gym:

1. I may have gotten my finger stuck in a weight machine and had to flail around and yell for help. Finally one of the muscly gym rats heard me through his blaring earbuds and rescued me with a grunt and a look of total disdain.

2. It’s also possible I yanked too hard on the bar attached to the cable thingy and smashed myself in the solar plexus. I’m sure I looked really cool leaning against the wall gasping for breath.

3. But the most horrible incident of all was when the corner of my shirt got closed in my locker and I couldn’t pull the shirt out or open the locker. It happened to be right when spin class got out so I was surrounded by overly tan 20-something women with small butts. I stood there for a few minutes and pretended to stretch my calves. But then they all started changing and I was surrounded by pert and tanned boobs. Really, who needs that kind of blow to her self esteem? So I started banging on the locker and pulling at my shirt because, clearly, I had to escape. Then, an especially hot and bare breasted Barbie offered to help. I kid you not, she opened the locker with her pinky finger.


What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you or your, uh, “friend”, at the gym?




14 thoughts on “Gym Mishaps and a General Lack of Progress

  1. Niki

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I mean, oh, poor Jos. Well, the worst thing that I can remember (I have a tendency to block stuff like that out) was at the Vanderbilt student gym (filled with many 18-22 year olds who had NO BODY FAT) when I got yelled at for wearing a tank top with (fat) spaghetti straps over my sports bra to work out. Apparently the skin-tight short shorts the little undergrad bunnies were sporting weren’t a problem, but the gym dress code specified that you had to wear basically a sleeveless or sleeved shirt and my law school shoulders were just too much for anyone to handle. I was mortified, pissed, and never went back there again. Then I proceeded to drink my way through law school in retaliation. Take THAT!

  2. joslyne Post author

    Wow, you must have really sexy/scandalous shoulders! You go, woman! And I’m sure your drinking showed them. They probably still haven’t recovered. 🙂

    1. joslyne Post author

      I know! I was tough to decide if I was more freaked out by the tanliness or the pertness . . . I’m still having nightmares about both aspects.

  3. I don't want the Internet to know this about me

    Hilarious, as usual. I haven’t darkened the door of a gym in about 10 years, not even those cheesy ones in the hotel. My last experience with a gym involved a step aerobics class and some ill-timed farts. Scarred for life, I’m afraid.

    1. joslyne Post author

      Ah, yes. Well we’ve all been there with the ill timed farts. Getting older is so glamorous . . .

  4. Amber

    You’re looking at this all wrong. You’re going. You’re doing it. You’re following through. You didn’t gain any body fat. At our age, it’s a miracle things don’t just get bigger/wider/looser by the minute so no progress IS progress because just maintaining is success!!
    And, unfortunately, I don’t have any good stories to share because I never actually go to the gym I pay a lot of money for. FAIL.
    *eats cookie, unbuttons pants*

      1. Amber

        OMG! I can lift a cookie too. I hate to brag but I can actually “lift” an entire package of cookies.

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