1. “My baby has been sleeping for 12 hours. I miss her so much when she’s sleeping. :(“
You can Talk. To. The Hand. while I UNFRIEND you.
2. “Little Lily was up all night throwing up. I love taking care of my little dumpling when she’s sick. It’s what being a mom is all about!”Really? Being up all night and catching throw up in your bare hands is what being a mom is all about? If you find it so fulfilling you can come over and catch my kid’s vomit too.
3. “Letting little Stevie win Candy Land for the 8th time in a row.”
Well, aren’t you patient and polite. And probably cheating. Grow a spine already. LAY THE SMACKDOWN. Stevie needs to toughen up.
4. “It’s 8:30. I wish Susie would wake up so we could go out and do something!”
Some of us have been up since 4:30 a.m. or earlier. So unless the thing you want to go out and do involves bringing me chocolate and then taking my kid to a playground so I can nap, you can suck it.
5. “I’m worried that my four year old is reading. It’s too early!”
I just did the international sign for gag me with a spoon. Brag if you want to brag, but don’t mask it as a concern.
6. “Do you think this is diaper rash?”
I really didn’t need the visual. Really.
7. “I was up until 1 a.m. making cupcakes shaped like Dora the Explorer’s head! You know, just because!”
I’m sorry. Do I know you? Apparently we have nothing in common.
8. “Tommy flushed my wedding ring down the toilet!! LOL! Little rascal!”
Is there some alternate meaning to LOL that I don’t know about? Little Obnoxious Loser, perhaps?
What’s the most annoying facebook status or tweet you’ve seen about parenting?