Number 10 on the Suck It List: Annoying Status Updates From Other Parents

1. “My baby has been sleeping for 12 hours. I miss her so much when she’s sleeping. :(“

You can Talk. To. The Hand. while I UNFRIEND you.

2. “Little Lily was up all night throwing up. I love taking care of my little dumpling when she’s sick. It’s what being a mom is all about!”

By Andrew Gray (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Except your not catching candy.
By Andrew Gray (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Really? Being up all night and catching throw up in your bare hands is what being a mom is all about? If you find it so fulfilling  you can come over and catch my kid’s vomit too.

3. “Letting little Stevie win Candy Land for the 8th time in a row.”

Well, aren’t you patient and polite. And probably cheating. Grow a spine already. LAY THE SMACKDOWN. Stevie needs to toughen up.

4. “It’s 8:30. I wish Susie would wake up so we could go out and do something!”

Some of us have been up since 4:30 a.m. or earlier. So unless the thing you want to go out and do involves bringing me chocolate and then taking my kid to a playground so I can nap, you can suck it.

5. “I’m worried that my four year old is reading. It’s too early!”

Don't I look fetching? But at least I voted, so there's that.

Don’t I look fetching? But at least I voted, so there’s that.

I just did the international sign for gag me with a spoon. Brag if you want to brag, but don’t mask it as a concern.

6. “Do you think this is diaper rash?”

I really didn’t need the visual. Really.

7. “I was up until 1 a.m. making cupcakes shaped like Dora the Explorer’s head! You know, just because!”

I’m sorry. Do I know you? Apparently we have nothing in common.

8. “Tommy flushed my wedding ring down the toilet!! LOL! Little rascal!”

Is there some alternate meaning to LOL that I don’t know about? Little Obnoxious Loser, perhaps?

What’s the most annoying facebook status or tweet you’ve seen about parenting?

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18 thoughts on “Number 10 on the Suck It List: Annoying Status Updates From Other Parents

  1. Lindy

    Any post where a grown woman refers to herself in the third person as Mommy. All of those women should be rounded up and herded away.

    Oh oh oh also the ones where Mommy’s little schmoopy is so sick and at the doctor and Mommy is so worried so Mommy takes a pic of Schmoopy in her sick bed and posts it so that Mommy can get 72 “awww, poor Mommy” posts back. Those women should not be allowed to breed.

    Reply
    1. joslyne Post author

      Oooooh crap. I’m guilty of the first one, though not online. More so when zoey was younger (I hope). “Mommy needs to go to the bathroom so you stay here and look at this book.” TOTALLY LAME. And I’m just going to fully confess now: I *still* say “we” when I really mean Zoey. “We didn’t cooperate this morning so we’re running late.” What “we”? *I* cooperated just fine thankyouverymuch. I cringe every time I hear myself say it. Ugh!

      Reply
  2. Holly Lorincz

    I believe you and I are the same person, divided in half. Though you may be funnier. Now, excuse me, I have to go pull the loaf of bread out of the dog’s mouth so that I can make my son some toast.

    Reply
    1. joslyne Post author

      I like the idea that my secret identity is the other half of you. I don’t think I’m funnier (I read your book, you know!) but I do think I like chocolate more.

      And for anyone lurking in the comments, the book is “Smart Mouth”. I highly recommend it!

      Reply
  3. Julie

    This is so true and doesn’t stop with young children – “My son graduated from Yale with top honors in 3 years and has his career all lined up!” While in MY world, my kids are on the 6 year program at State colleges because of various issues ranging from pot smoking to “I just want to take a year off and find myself.” Perky status updates about children are the Facebook version of the annual (dreaded) Christmas letter!!! Love your post, as always, Jos!! Thanks for always keeping it real xoxo

    Reply
    1. joslyne Post author

      Jules, Your kids rock. And so do you. Plus, I find it highly amusing when they hijack your facebook page. Also, I bet the 3-year graduate from Yale has a boring inner life. So there!

      Reply
  4. Sara

    I hope #2 isn’t referring to me, as I have a Little Lily. However, the difference is that my Lily can sleep in her own vomit until morning and I’ve had at least one cup of coffee with a shot of booze.

    Reply
  5. Sean

    Most annoying? ” does anyone know a good nanny, preferably tri-lingual?” Or “does anyone know a good housecleaning service?” A little too conspicuous for my tastes. Have they heard of google?

    Reply
    1. joslyne Post author

      yeah, sometimes the “high class problem #67893” posts get on my nerves. HIgh class problem #375: We need a new housekeeper! Ugh.

      Reply
  6. Lisa Gibalerio

    Most annoying comment on FB? Too many to choose from, too little time. Julie is right though – it does not end as the kids get older: “Junior made Honor Roll . . . again” “Junior smashed six elite swimming records this morning . . . ” The only records my kids break are time spent staring at an Apple device . . .
    Thanks, J!!

    Reply
    1. joslyne Post author

      I don’t mind people bragging on their kids but be straightforward about it. I much prefer a “Kim made honor roll! So proud!” to “Kim made honors again. I worry she spends too much time studying. :(” The last one is cringe inducing. UGH!

      Reply
  7. Tyff

    I would have commented earlier, but I was too busy discussing Atlas Shrugged with my 5 year old while simultaneously whipping up a baked Alaskan.

    Reply

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