Some Things I Wish Zoey Would Learn

1. How to dress in weather-appropriate clothes. Yes, it’s true that it is raining and rain is water, but you still can’t wear your bathing suit to the library. Your winter coat is, as the name implies, for winter; You may not wear it when it’s over 90 degrees. And no, it’s doesn’t matter that you won’t wear anything else with it. I mean, you do know they won’t seat you at a restaurant if you’re not wearing panties . . . or pants, right?

2. How to look where you are walking. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. When you walk forward while looking backward you tend to walk into things.  Like walls. Those permanent upright constructions that are UNMOVING. Or the alarm gates at Target. Then you look at me accusingly and squawk, “Mommy! Why did you let that wall hurt me??”

3. How to wipe your butt. The right way.  You know, in the crack — not just on the cheeks. My least favorite imperative sentence is, “Mom, wipe my butt!”

4. How to whisper. Believe it or not, whispering does not mean to continue shouting but it a weird, horsey voice. No, no. Whispering means to speak with soft, hushed sounds using the breath. It does not mean to speak slower or to tip-toe while speaking. It does not mean to put your mouth on my ear and then screech, “CAN YOU HEAR ME???? I’M A-WHISPERIN’!”

5. Lobsters are not hamsters. Each and every time we go to the store you shout, “Look Mom! HAMSTERS!” and then point to the lobster tank. Each and every time I tell you they are lobsters. You narrow your eyes, shake your head and say, “No. No, those are hamsters, Mommy. Hamsters.” We even asked the guy at the fish counter and he said, “Lob-stahs.” As soon as we got a few feet away you said, “No, they’re hamsters. I know it!” I am not lying to you. It’s not a conspiracy to trick you. It’s the truth. And that truck that drives around playing songs? Yeah, it really doesn’t sell ice cream — it’s just there to make people happy with music.


13 thoughts on “Some Things I Wish Zoey Would Learn

  1. Sandee Decker

    It is better to laugh or you might cry yourself into oblivion! If you just step back and think about it… it is REALLY funny! I can hardly wait till she is thirteen.

      1. joslyne Post author

        Yeah, yeah. You two just settle down there. You’re only excited bc you’re not the PARENTS and you can laugh at us as we muddle our way through. 🙂

  2. ErinM

    #4 and #5 were the ones that made me guffaw out loud as well…. Andrew accuses me of having similar whispering skills– I’m always convinced that no one can hear me, and he’s always convinced otherwise. So tell Zozo I feel her pain!!

  3. Sean P Deano

    Um, this is awkward, but zoey is correct — they are hamsters, although the proper pronunciation is “ham-stahs”

  4. kate myers cotton

    Hilarious. I can see she is developing her unique sense of self. Good thing she has a great Mom who knows when to let her follow her own muse and when she just can’t for safety or other reasons.


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