Last week I received some bad news. Very bad news. So of course I’m going to share this information so that you too can stumble around in fear and despair for the next 10 years. You’re welcome. A reliable source ( Hi Susan!) told me that how a child behaves at age 3 is a great predictor for how that same child will behave at age 13.
In the past, oh, 48 hours, my three year old bit her father, hit her beautiful and funny mother, kicked her Gramme, threw innumerable tantrums, ate half a page out of a book, threw orange juice on the floor, and shrieked, “NO, I WON’T!” at regular intervals. There has also been door slamming, wall kicking, and multiple yellings of, “I don’t love YOU, I love DADDY!” Additional unsavry “episodes” have occurred because Zoey’s spoon was touching her rice and I flushed the toilet for her. So it appears that I can wipe Zoey’s butt but not flush the toilet? WELL EXCUUUUSE ME.
I have nine years and 10 months to hone my “nurturing” skills and become . . . MOTHER NINJA. First, I obviously have to work on wielding two weapons at once, such as a sword and numchucks. I believe this skill will come in handy for self-defense as well as enforcing house rules. “You haven’t cleaned your room yet? Don’t. Make. Me. Bring. Out. The. Sword.” I also need to work on the ninja skills of invisibility and silent entry. You know, to spy. Duh. I know, I know — Demetri is going to install a hidden camera in Zoey’s room and tap all the phone lines. But what about when she’s out in public or at a friend’s house? Enter: Mother Ninja! Kid, you can run, but you can’t hide. No to brag or anything, but I used to do a lot of kick boxing so I’m pretty confident in my kicking skills — locked doors will crumble like tissue paper. Probably we should just take down all the doors becasue THEY WILL BE RENDERED USELESS. That’s how good I am. My climbing skills could probably use some work though. That way when Zoey tries to climb out her window and meet her 16 year old boyfriend (or girlfriend), I’ll be waiting. On the roof. BOO! Get back in the house, sucker! And yes, I will be dressed in all black with a ski mask, my sword glinting in the moonlight. Or maybe I’ll just use that tie head-band thing. After all, I want Zoey to know it’s me — it will add to my Legend of Fear.
So . . . who’s with me?