A Little Advice . . .

Dear Zoey,

First off, I would like to applaud your recent efforts to dress yourself without any assistance whatsoever. My, you certainly are determined!  And resourceful! It’s inspring to see that the passing of time holds no meaning for you.

I, on the other hand, find it “challenging” to watch you dress yourself.  As you are only 3 and probably don’t “get” what the quotations mean, I will rephrase: I find it appallingly painful and torturous.   So, as your mother, it is my duty to provide some general tips on getting dressed.

1. Panties do have to go on before pants or shorts.  I know you find this upsetting but I believe that following this little rule will serve you well later in life.  Like if you ever want to go to college.  Or hold a job.  Or  just generally want to walk down the street without being mocked or having stuff thrown at you.  Yes, people are cruel.

2. If you put on a pair of shorts, pull them up, and then find the waist band is folded over it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to start over.  I know! It’s true! You DO NOT have to take off the shorts, the panties, the shirt, and the socks. In fact, you can (wait for it . . .) just unfold the waist band.

3. Shoes: It helps to un-velcro them before putting them on.  It also helps not to be wearing a shirt on your feet.
3a. Just because you can wear flip flops on your hand doesn’t mean you should.

4. Your head will not fit through the arm hole.  Nope, not gonna happen.   And yes, I think your nose will be the same . . . eventually.

5. There are two leg holes in pants for a reason.  Primarily that you have two legs.  LEARN THE LESSON.

6. Band-Aids are not an accessory; They are to stop the flow of blood. So unless you’re bleeding, no Band-Aid. And no, we do NOT have any more princess Band-Aids . . . and we won’t FOR THE REST OF YOUR LONG AND UNFAIR LIFE.

7. It’s not true that you have to sleep in the same pajamas every night.  You actually have five pairs of pajamas. FIVE! One of them even has a turtle on it!  Oooooh! Aaaahhhh! A turtle!

8. It’s really not OK to “just let the panties catch the drips of pee and poo.” No. No, no. That’s what toilet paper is for.  Pee and poo do not make an outfit “prettier”.  If you can’t grasp this, then, well, you will have no friends.  Ever. I mean, I’ll always love you.  But other people? Not so much.

9. If you can’t get a single sock on in 7 minutes you probably need to ask for help. No shame, honey, no shame.

10. No, I’m never going to let you wear your winter parka in 97 degree heat.  I don’t care that you you won’t wear “anything else” with it.

With love and admiration,

The Mom

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