A couple weeks ago I returned home from a chiropractor and massage therapy appointment to find Demetri drinking a shot glass of vodka in the kitchen. “So, um, how did it go?” I ventured.
“Check my facebook status — that’s all I’m saying.” He downed the shot and walked out of the kitchen. As it turns out, Zoey de-tailed a rubber lizard and then snorted the broken off tail piece up her nose. This evidence was offered on his Facebook page:
Here’s the story I got: all of a sudden Zoey says, “Daddy, I gots something up my nose.” Demetri wisely told her that it was boogers but Zoey persisted, “No, it’s not. It’s something else.” So Demetri got out the flashlight. And then the tweezers. But by then Zoey had snorted the tail so far up her nose Demetri could only see the tiniest part of the bright blue tip; the tweezers wouldn’t reach. Well, they wouldn’t safely reach. Finally Zoey was persuaded to blow. And blow. And blow. And voila!
And let me tell you, it took all my strength not to ask, “BUT HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??? WEREN’T YOU WATCHING HER?????” I lasted about 14 minutes before asking, “So, I guess you didn’t see it happen?” And then after we were in bed that night, “So, where were you exactly when our daughter snorted rubber up her nose and almost INTO HER BRAIN?”
“Oh,” Demetri said, “Didn’t I tell you? I was on the couch next to her.”
I rolled over to face him. “I’m sorry. You were on THE WHAT? WHERE?”
“I was on the . . .”
And this is when my voice may have gotten a bit screechy, “You were NEXT. TO. HER. And YOU DIDN’T SEE IT HAPPEN?”
“Well, The News Hour was on and I was trying to watch it and . . . well.” I like to imagine that he at least looked ashamed . . . but it was dark so, as he tells me, I’ll never know.
Eventually we both burst out laughing. Things stuck up noses are funny, I guess. Especially when removed safely. But, I’ll tell you a little secret: while we were laying there laughing together like a good parenting team will do, I was also feeling superior. Ha! I get to be the ‘good’ parent for a while — I’m so aware it’s like I have an awareness super power! I! Am! Awesome! Nothing like that has ever happened on my watch!
Until last night. When Zoey shoved bright pink play-doh up her nose . . . right under my nose. Well, to be objective and fair, I was walking the babysitter to the door. And then I was getting a snack. And possibly checking Facebook. And then Zoey says, “Mom, (yes she has taken to calling me mom instead of mommy. It’s like a bullet to the heart) There’s stuff in my nose.” I come over to take a look and there’s a whole wad of play-doh crammed up her left nostril. “It’s like pink boogers,” Zoey cheers, “FANCY ONES! Yay!”
“Zoey,” I say sternly, “This is not funny. It’s not safe to stick things up your nose.” And then I burst out laughing. While I’m laughing, my genius daughter repeatedly tries to stick the play-doh further up her nose. “Do NOT touch your nose!” I yell as I exit the room in search of tweezers. (Note: this was a rookie kid-with-stuff-stuck-in-nose parenting mistake. ALWAYS BRING THE KID WITH YOU. Always. Kids are sneaky little boogers with ninja-like stealth and lightening-like speed. Plus, they CANNOT BE TRUSTED.)
I get back to the kitchen maybe 17 seconds later, and the pink play-doh has been shoved so far up the left nostril I can’t see it and (see above note . . .) green play-doh has been shoved up the right nostril. The tweezers are not really helping because I can’t get a good grip — either I’m pushing the stuff further up or only tiny bits of paly-doh are breaking off. All I can think is, I’ve got to fix this before Demetri gets home or I will never live it down. N-E-V-E-R. Never.
Finally, after a promise of an ice cream bar, Zoey blows her nose. And the stuff comes out. Most of it anyway. I think . . . Maybe.
Zoey and the current ‘good’ parent. Which, you will note, is not me. 😦