Our 5th anniversary is approaching. So in honor of our wedding I now present a brief and in no way complete list of some of the numerous reasons it might maybe possibly be hard to be married to me*.
1. I will demand that you tell me I’m a good wife. You will be required to follow-up this statement with numerous examples. If the example don’t come fast enough you will be in Big Trouble.
2. At the end of the day my clothes always end up on the floor. Always. And, why yes! They are on the floor right in front of the hooks you hung for me. You know, the hooks for hanging my clothes on.
3. It’s ok for me to give our child juice with dinner, but of you do it I”ll go . . . what’s the word? Oh yeah . . . ape shit.
4. I’ll spy on you via the baby video monitor when it’s your turn to put our child to bed. Then I will make fun of you for your made-up version of “American Pie”. Also, I will demand that you acknowledge that I have a unique and highly marketable skill because I know all the real lyrics — unlike some people.
5. Before bed every night I will require you to participate in ‘talking time’. This is a time during which I can ask you weird and sentimental questions and then get jealous about your answers. Like so:
me: So who did you go to prom with?
you: Laurie Smith.
me: Was she pretty?
you: Yeah, kind of.
me: Stupid garden tool!
you: Uuuuh . . .
6. I will put my cold feet on you. Every night.
7. When you wear mock turtlenecks I will mock you — to your face and on Facebook.
8. I will promise that half of the shelves in the bathroom are for your stuff. But, slowly and stealthily, I will begin to put some of my stuff on your shelves. Until you only have half a shelf. I will not feel bad about it.
9. On a regular basis I will rip ”The New Yorker” out of your hands and screech, “PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!’
10. I will demand you keep a hidden stash of emergency chocolate. I will actively look for this stash. If I find it, I will eat it all and not tell you. Then, when I demand a piece of emergency chocolate and you find that it’s gone, I will get mad.
* Also, I am trying butter up Demetri so I can do a post next week about a blue salamander, Zoey’s nose, and someone’s parenting fail.