For Mother’s Day Demetri gave me a wallet. An actual, real, live, adult wallet. It has all these sperate compartments for . . . stuff. Like cash. And credit cards. And all the other important cards I might want to carry. Like, the Lenny’s Sub Shop sandwich card (buy 5 and get one free!) and the business card of my former (like 5 years ago) therapist. I don’t see her and I don’t talk to her but it somehow makes me feel better to carry around her card and stare at her name every once in a while when things get really tough. Plus, it’s purple. The wallet, not my therapist. The thing that is most adult about the wallet is the comparent for change — it doesn’t zip shut, it clasps. You know, like an old lady purse. Every time I clasp it or unclasp it I feel very mature. Very in control. Very Hey look at me and my new adult wallet with a snappy clasp thingy!
But enough about that. My favorite thing about the wallet is the coupons it came with. That’s right, my delightfully charming, kind husband with a hot ass made me home made coupons. And one of them entitles me to WIN AN ARGUMENT. Not that I generally need help with this. But, man oh man, do I have big plans for this coupon. True, I can only redeem it once and it has a rapidly approaching expiration date, but imagine the possibilities (especially with our upcoming move):
Demetri: Oh! I really want to live in ______ town.
Me: I don’t.
Demetri: Well, I do!
Me: WELL TOO BAD MISTER! (waaa-tsshhhhh!!!*) Say so long to that little dream!
Demetri: I think we should have another baby.
Me: No way.
Demetri: Yeah, it’ll be so fun!
Me: WELL TOO BAD Picasso! (waaa-tsshhhhh!!!*) Did I mention that you have a very special doctor’s appointment next Monday?
Demetri: Hm. I think I’ll buy these peg leg jeans.
Me: But why?
Demetri: Because I’ll look good in them.
Me: No you won’t.**
Demetri: Yes I will.
Me: WELL TOO BAD BUCKAROO. (waaa-tsshhhhh!!!*) Tim Gunn wants me to tell you you can’t make it work.
Ah yes! I can rule the world! Bwhahahaha! I am now taking suggestions for coupon use.
* This is the sound of me ‘whipping’ out the coupon. You know, in case you didn’t get it.
** Because NO ONE does.