Demetri and I went away for the weekend. And, yes, we went Zoey-less. On the flight home we ended up sitting next to a 5th grade boy flying alone. He was a talker. Luckily, I had the window seat and Demetri was in the middle right next to The Talker. At first the The Talker was just making polite chit-chat. He told us about school and some computer games he likes. We learned that he is “really excellent” at reducing and adding fractions. He asked us what we do for a living. He told us that his grandmother “almost beat some dude up” before Christmas because “the dude” got to the last Wii just before she did. We then learned that The Talker was sick. And that he hates being sick. He opened his mouth and showed us the throat lozenge he was sucking on and said, “This is supposed to taste like honey and some kind of fruit but it doesn’t.” When I asked what it did taste like he replied, “Crap.” We then covered what our favorite foods were (he likes Kit Kats) and our favorite colors. After a brief pause when The Talker was choking on his cough drop, I was asked if I like to shop. When I said no, The Talker was rendered speechless. Momentarily. He recovered and launched into a in-depth analysis of how all girls like to shop. We learned that “Girls will only wear an outfit once . . . twice if you’re really,really lucky.” The Talker then educated us about the 6 levels of fat. There wasn’t really a segue. I can’t remember the details but one of the levels was ‘fluffy’ and one of the levels he couldn’t tell us much about because he wasn’t allowed to say the word out loud.
Then things got really interesting. We talked about Twilight. Apparently, all the girls “go chaotic” over Edward and Jacob. The Talker was worried that these girls would be “all upset and sad” when Edward and Jacob died. I then launched into a whole thing about how vampires can’t die etc. etc. The Talker looked at me like I was an idiot unworthy of having a conversation of this level and said, “I’m talking about the actors not the fake characters.” Yeah. Then the talker said, and this is a direct quote, “It’s too bad about Edward’s flossing accident.” Demetri and I exchanged looks, A flossing accident? Flossing? Really? The Talker then told us that just before Christmas, Edward had been flossing his teeth. Apparently, Edward looped the floss around his front teeth, pulled too hard and, well, you know. And guess what. IT’S TRUE. Sort of.
I eventually put my headphones on and abandoned Demetri. I later learned that they discussed the worst thing they had ever done in their lives and why Demetri wouldn’t give The Talker five bucks. I don’t know, I might have given the kid a few bucks. I mean, the flossing story alone is worth something.