>Last Monday night and into Tuesday I had the worst fibromyalgia ‘flare-up’* I have ever had. My fibro-philosophy thus far has been to refuse pain meds in favor of working with my body to figure out what makes me well and what makes me hurt. And my body and I have done some good work together. But on Tuesday afternoon I was in the doctor’s office crying and begging for pain meds. It’s wasn’t pretty. If I’d had the energy I would have felt bad for my doctor. All last week I was unable to care for Zoey. My wonderful, amazing, beautiful mother was here from 6:45 am until Demetri got home. Every. Single. Day. Zoey started calling my mom and Demetri ‘mami’. Yup, it was a bullet through the heart. When I did manage to come downstairs, Zoey looked at me passingly and largely without interest, Oh, it’s that crazy lady from upstairs again. Just what every mother hopes for: to be forgotten by her own child.
One doesn’t just get over a flare-up. It can’t be powered through. You don’t just bounce back. It’s more like clawing your way out of a deep, dark hole towards a pin prick of light. You have all this rope to help you. But you’re not very good at knots. And you’re not wearing a harness. One mistake and your back at the bottom, muddy and bruised. Plus, your upper body isn’t exactly buff. You have to build up your strength, rest, build up, rest. Breathe. It takes a long time to climb up and out. Right now, I’m hopping to be strong and totally well again by January. That may be pushing it.
I had to make some tough decisions. I quit soccer (bailing on a bunch of middle school girls and the head coach — yup, it felt awesome**). I cleared my schedule — including canceling lunch with a friend for the THIRD time in a row. I put repeat posts on Cool Moms Care. I haven’t run in over a week. My life has to become very small for a while. In my not-so-great moments this makes me angry. I feel like I should be able to be a mom, and a wife, and a soccer coach, and a writer, and a runner, and a good friend. All at once. In my better-ish moments I know that there are times when I can’t be all those things. And I know that’s ok. But right now it’s still feeling pretty bad. So, fibromyalgia? You can suck it!
Oh, and if I’m posting less than twice a week you now know why. Nothing personal. Just me having to dial things back.
*The term ‘flare-up’ so doesn’t do the experience justice. It’s like calling a 15 car pile-up a ‘fender bender’.
** If by awesome we mean lowly, wimpy, and guilt-ridden.