>What? What’s that you say? You want to have a baby? Well, how marvelous for you! How absolutely spiffy! Yes, I’m sure the baby will adjust to your schedule. No, no, I’m sure your life will stay pretty much the same. But your house won’t. Let me give you a tour of your future!Come right this way . . .
All your cabinets, drawers, closets, etc. will need to be child proofed. These locks are super fun and super easy to install! You and your partner will have hours (and hours) of quality time together during this fantastic project!
Gates will become a significant part of your life. Not only are the gates esthetically pleasing, but they are expensive too!
Some of the gates also require installation! Yay! Another fun project! And, don’t worry, the directions are useless! Some other, lesser, parents may make a mistake or two and install the gate backwards! Or upside down. But not you!
Areas that cannot be gated or locked must be otherwise creatively contained. Note how the chair faces inward to both block opening of the draws and to prevent climbing. What genius!
It is likely that one of your favorite rooms, like, say, the library (in which you painstakingly arranged all the books alphabetically and by genre) will have to be blocked off by furniture and a guard dog — thus becoming totally useless. Did I say useless? I meant organizationally enhanced.
All your plants will have to be moved outside. Here’s a great activity: longingly stare out the window at your plants while you wonder what time it is, what day it is, and how the world could possibly continue to go on given your current level of exhaustion. Fun times!
Laundry will be your new best friend. You will always have some to do. Always. It will sit there, mocking you, guilting you, like only a true best friend would! And one day you will run out of clean undies despite your best efforts and you will melt into a pile of tears and snot, consumed by the thought of your complete and utter uselessness. It’s great to be reminded of our insignificance, no?
There will be fun, new accessories in your bathroom to help you complete the task of
weekly daily hygiene.
Your dog (aka your first baby) will have to become camel-like and store water somewhere on/in his dog-person. The water bowl will be kept on the counter to prevent constant spillage. Although this may decrease precious counter space, it is amusing to pretend the dog water is actually a soothing fountain. Ahhhh! Can’t you hear the gentle trickle?
Everything becomes a potential toy. Yes, tragically, the cat butt is in this picture for a reason.
As per above, there will be random
shit treasures all over the house. What do a giraffe, a Tupperware lid, and a wiffle ball have in common? I’ll just let you find out on your own. Moving on . . .
You will also have drawers of random ‘treasures’. Here, if you look closely, you can see bows, bubbles, nose drops, anti-fungal cream, shoes, q-tips, a lotion sample, swim diapers, a heating pad, a block, and a thermometer.
A huge amount of space will be given up for baby accessories. And yes, Goldfish are an accessory.
Your kitchen table will look like this: an amazing feat of organization with each and every thing in a specific place for a specific reason (i.e.- The baby pooped on me as we walked in the door so yes, I did have to put that bag there, OKAY!???).
Although your home will be destroyed and ravaged by the
beast baby you are about to welcome into your home, you will still feel compelled to display pictures of said beast on every available surface. And when you run out of room in your home, you will turn to blogging.