RE: New Rules
This memo is to inform you of recent rule changes in Zoey World (aka The Known Universe That Encompasses All That Is and Ever Will Be Important):
1. Bad news, Cheerios no longer amuse me so don’t even try.
2. I must be within 2 feet of you at any and all times. Dad is not a reasonable substitute (even though he is more fun and nicer than you).
3. You may not leave the room, feed yourself, or use the bathroom without my express permission. My lack of permission will be evidenced by a full body tantrum and shrieking (for future reference this is also what my wrath and displeasure look like).
4. The terms ‘personal space’ and ‘personal needs’ no longer apply to you.
5. In public, at the doctor’s office, or with the grandparents I will continue to be my adorable, well behaved self. When you try and tell others that I am less than perfect, they will not believe you and will instead think you are a bad parent.
6. I will poop at least 3 times a day, preferably when we are in public, in the car, or just before we are about to leave the house.
7. When I demand that you hold me, you must comply. Or suffer my displeasure (see #3).
8. When holding me you may not put me down until I give the OK. ‘The Ok’ will often take the form of kicking, hair pulling, or scratching.
9. Biting means I love you. Any blood that is drawn or bruises that result are a sign of my affection.
10. Naps are for losers. (And that means you!)
11. My continued refusal to say ‘Mama’ is done out of spite. I could say it if I wanted to. I want you to know that I know that this annoys you.
12. Diaper changes and wardrobe adjustments cut into my very busy schedule. From now on you must ensure that these events occur while I am standing and playing. Any interruption in my activities will result in you suffering my wrath (see #3).
13. I love Gilmore and goldfish way more than you.
Please note that the above is not inclusive of all rules and the above may be changed at any time without your consent or knowledge.